The Importance and Benefits of Guiding Children Without Harsh Discipline

Often, I'm sure we find ourselves in moments of frustration with our kids.  In those moments, how do we react?  Do we find ourselves having patiences with our children and taking time to check in with them about the situation?  Or do we react with harsh discipline?  In the book, 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg, we learn of 4 basic principles to avoid harsh discipline.  These include:

1. Never use physical punishment.
2. Don't be verbally abusive.
3. Controlling your anger.
4. The right way to punish.

Dr. Steinberg explains in his book, "Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side effects is physical punishment. Physical punishment is no more effective than other types of punishment-in fact, in many situations it is less effective-and it has been proven to have a harmful effect on children's development. That's why you should never spank, hit, slap, or otherwise physically punish your child."  (Steinberg, 2005)

It is just as important to remember that verbal abuse has just as negative effects that can affect child just as physical abuse.  Children who are facing treatment that is negative and demeaning from parents "are at heightened risk for many types of difficulties, ranging from poor self,esteem to clinical depression."  (Steinberg, 2005)  An important point that Steinberg mentioned is that a parent can be firm without being mean.  When a parent is firm with a child, while communicating in a loving and gentle way, it can communicate to the child that they are still loved, but there are still boundaries that need to be followed.

The next point brought up in this chapter is the importance of controlling your anger.  How often have we been in a situation with a parent when they happen to let their anger get the best of them?  How often do we let our anger get the best of us?  Steinberg explains that disciplining your child while angry "only increases the chance that you will be excessively harsh, either physically or verbally." (Steinberg, 2005)  It is completely normal that there will be situations where one party does become angry, but the important thing is how we control it.  It is important to remember that experiencing anger doesn't mean we are a bad parent.  Steinberg explains, that "there is a big difference...between feeling angry at someone and letting that person have it." 

In his final point, Steinberg explains the right way to punish, and a few elements of effective punishment.  These elements are:

1. An identification of the specific act that was wrong.
2. A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.
3. A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior.
4. A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.
5. A statement of your expectation that your child will do better next time.

These elements help us clearly illustrate our point to the child, and do so in a way that they should be able to understand and learn from the situation.  When we present the situation in a way that is clear and we use a calm, loving, but firm voice, we can help our children understand the importance of the lesson we are trying to teach, while still helping them feel safe and loved.

I am not yet a mom, but I have learned from my experience as a kid.  I was blessed with wonderful and loving parents who did their very best raising me, but I can tell especially when they used these elements in guiding me.  I was blessed with parents who raised me in love and with unconditional support.  They made their expectations clear, and when I messed up, they punished me fairly.  Because of this, I've learned from those experiences, both from the situation and the lesson I was supposed to learn, and about how to guide my children in the future.